a series of text messages... entry four
D- I want a poptart real bad right now S- sometimes the urges are just too strong D- I would do dirrty, unspeakable things for a poptart right now S- are you drunk? D- OH YEAH!!!!
(339): Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick...– textsfromlastnight.com
so much Harry Potter, so little time
An unexpected breaking news update
My thanksgiving day leftovers were given away to a homeless man that lives in the bushes by my uncles house. Is it fair that I had to sit through dinner with those people and he got to eat my delicious food?! Is it wrong that I am upset about this? I have no soul…. Maybe I can buy one on criagslist.com.
A series of text messages... Entry three
D-Is it terrible that when I hear someone I know has gotten engaged my initial reaction is “ew gross.” It’s not even like I have an aversion to marriage. I’d like to get married one day. I’d also like to be skinny enough to wear a size 5 jean, but I don’t see that happening either M-I love your segue into conversations
The perks I receive from others misfortune.
My dads girlfriend, while very kind and funny, has a very serious drinking problem. Every night she gets drunk and every morning wakes up with a hangover. To most this would pose to be a bit of an inconvenience, but for me I can enjoy all the perks and see the humor in what my life has become. To begin, she will get drunk and go on cleaning sprees (which typically end before the job is finished)...
A series of text messages... Entry two
Is it terrible that I’m fb stalking ____ and I read that she lost 40 pounds and a month later she was pregnant, and I laughed out loud. Losing weight is bad. And in her case, a total waste of time, she’ll be even more fat now. I’m just going to continue my love affair with this brownie.
I wish my mom was hip
my mom: asians are the some of the safest people in the world
me: there are asian gangs too and stuff
my mom: and they're called study groups
I wish there was a way — other than bulimia — to empty my stomach. Just eat as...– things got philosophical at the kid’s table this year (via drinkyourjuice)
George Costanza moments
enjoying the cheesecake I recently vindicated from my uncles house… in my defense, I made the cheesecake and they didn’t even offer me left overs. I’ll admit, taking matters into my own hands may have been a bit rash, but this is the most satisfying feeling ever. not only do i get to enjoy this dessert, but I get to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment.
witticisms with a Brit... (take 1)
Sam Evans Oh, hey, Happy Thanksgiving!! I hope you’re enjoying the immense amount of food you are legally obliged to consume over this long weekend you get Demi Rose Howe Oh thanks. We aren’t legally obligated to intake said food until dinner is served. So of course I am starving myself until the clock strikes 5pm at which point I will enjoy copious amounts of turkey and...
Bill Howe excerpts
in the mists of having an argument with my father, telling him he needs to stop bitching about dinner that was made for him, he opens the lid to a pot on the stove to reveal a large helping of re-fried beans and at the same time he and I both say “ooo beans” that was the end of the argument because that is when I realized there is no point arguing with this man, for he and I are...
A thanksgiving disaster
worse than any massacre of Native Americans…. Enjoyed a delightful dinner with a family that is tolerable. I provided 2 cheesecakes that were astronomical. they were quite possibly the best cheesecakes any person have ever eaten. dinner was over and we were hurried out the door. we were half way home before i realized i was provided with no left overs and no cheesecake. what is the...
By far the best country in the world →
God bless America
I need to fine tune my witticisms if I want to run with the big dogs.
A series of text messages... Entry one
E- “the aisles at Stater brothers are really small” D- “which is strange because it’s a little know fact that the Stater family was morbidly obese.”
A reason why I wont have children...
I fear they will turn out like me, or worse, more awesome than me. In which case I would have to kill them. Having children could potentially make me a murderer. Is that what God wants? Murder??
So he likes drugs and hookers. That’s the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of...– Shit My Dad Says
Bullshit. Don’t pretend you don’t care about your birthday. It’s like watching a...– Shit My Dad Says